Spiral On
by Rei Ronin
Summary: Two great series filled with hot-bloodedness! Slammed together in the name of comedy! Not impossible, but certainly laughable! SPIRAL ON! What in the HELL do you think it is? Pure crack, cause someone had to write it.


Spiral On

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A Naruto Crack Fic

I take no claims to the ownership of either Naruto or the other IP contained in this story. This is a non-profit, fan-based piece, for entertainment purposes only.

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It didn't take Uzumaki Naruto long when he was growing up to figure out that everyone seemed to hate him. This might have been why he developed the habit of going out into the forests to explore shortly after he started living on his own and joined the ninja academy.

It was a good thing he did, especially when you considered how much shopkeepers overcharged him. The forests of Konoha were a treasure trove of abandoned ninja equipment, so long as you didn't mind a little rust and were careful to stay away from the explosive tags. And so long as you didn't mind dodging the occasional stray kunai when you got too close to one of the open sparring fields. Okay, so it was dangerous. Still profitable though.

After all, he had found a great pair of goggles. Red with yellow lenses…it made him feel like he was wearing a hitai-ate. It also got him weird looks at the academy, but that was normal. The cracks about how goggles wouldn't give him a dojutsu cut a little deeper, especially when you considered how they nearly always were combed with a bit of praise towards Naruto's rival (at least in his mind), Sasuke. But he still wore them. They were cool, and they were his.

They weren't all he found either.

Two years later, he found his lucky charm. Some kind of pendant on a thin chain, Naruto would spend hours looking at the golden cone with the spiral etched into it, especially when it pulsed with some verdant inner light. Of course Kiba and some of the other more delinquent members of the academy had to give him crap about wearing a necklace, one of them even wearing a taijitu pendant himself as he made fun of Naruto.

At least Kiba had called the moron out on that. Naruto had to give the Inuzuka that. But Naruto took to wearing the pendant under his shirt, and when he finally found a jacket he could afford, wore it zipped up a lot.

"He isn't the demon fox. He's Uzumaki Naruto!"

Now Naruto felt like a moron, one who had condemned one of the only people who cared about him to death. How could he have been so stupid as to believe Mizuki-sensei? Iruka was gonna die! He clutched the scroll, tears squeezing out from between his eyelids. HELL NO! Naruto's teeth dug into his lip as he slammed his fist into…

…Not the tree. Metal clanked as something fell to the forest floor. Naruto's eyes shot open to see the latest of the forest's gifts to him, a spear-like object with a spiraling cone like his pendant in place of a standard spear head. Snarling, Naruto snatched up the weapon, thanking the forest for its latest gift, and sprang into the canopy.

"Well, whatever." Mizuki unhooked his final dai-shuriken. "I said I would take care of you later…but I changed my mind." His thumb and pinky twisted on the inner ring, spinning up the oversized weapon. "HURRY UP AND DIE!"

The shuriken flew…along with Mizuki as Naruto laid the shaft of the spear across the traitorous chuunin's gut in a spinning two-handed swing at full extension. Naruto snarled as he landed, crouched and couching the strange spear in his right arm.

Mizuki glared at Naruto, clutching his stomach with his left. "You shouldn't have done that…"

Naruto wasn't listening. "Lay one finger on Iruka-sensei, and I'll kill you!"

"You idiot, Naruto! Why did you come out? Run away!"

"Hah!" Mizuki spat and straightened, drawing a kunai. "Someone like you? I'll kill you in one shot."

Naruto stood and thrust the spear at Mizuki, pointing it at his heart one-handed. "JUST WHO THE IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM!?" The spear whipped back, spinning around Naruto's neck and arms in what looked to be the most casual manner possible. He thrust his first two fingers at Mizuki. "I'm Uzumaki Naruto, future Hokage!" The spear slapped into his palm, held by two fingers and a thumb, first two fingers still extended. "Anything trash like you dishes out, I'll return a thousand-fold!" He brought his hands together into a cross seal.

"Then do it, demon fox!" yelled Mizuki, leaping forward.

There was a burst of smoke and the clearing was filled with Narutos. Many, many Narutos. Mizuki stood stunned in shock as the throng raised their spears in triumph. "Konoha's forest gave this to me…" shouted Naruto. "AND YOU BETTER BELIEVE I'LL PUT IT TO GOOD USE! This is a weapon's soul, this is a ninja's soul, this is Konoha's soul, and actually…IT'S _**MY**_SOUL!" Naruto's eyes blazed bright green, filled with a darker green spiral. "DO YOU SERIOUSLY BELIEVE IT'LL BE DEFEATED BY THE LIKES OF **YOU**?" The horde set their weapons in front of them, and charged. "_**UZUMAKI…NARUTO…THOUSAND…SPEAR…SPIRAL!**_"

Iruka smiled at his favorite, and most frustrating student as the boy stood over Mizuki's body, drill spear planted in the ground. A flash of green light, a cloud of ninja smoke, and it was over, Mizuki lying beaten on the ground. Iruka couldn't even say what happened.

Naruto chuckled as he looked at Iruka. "Heh, guess I went a little too far."

Iruka smiled gently. "Naruto…come over here. There's something I want to give you. Close your eyes."

Naruto did, flinching a little bit as Iruka pulled his goggles down around his neck and tied something across his forehead. "Now, sensei?"

"Okay, you can open your eyes." Iruka's hitai-ate was missing. "Congratulations. You pass!" Iruka tried to ignore the burning sensation in his eyes that said that Naruto's teary eyes would soon have mirrors in his own face. "Let's celebrate with a bowl of ramen!"

"Sensei!" Naruto tackled Iruka, weeping his thanks and relief.

_I was going to give you a lecture on how the hard part of being a shinobi has just begun, but that can wait for the when we're at Ichiraku's_, thought Iruka, hugging the boy who was like his little brother to him. _Oh, Naruto, the adventures you'll have, the life you'll lead! Your drill…will be the drill that pierces the HEAVENS!_

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A/N:Because _somebody _had to write it. I can't have been the only one to think that Naruto's new longcoat looks a lot like Simon's right? Not to mention the whole spiral motif... Anyway, this is pure crackery to clear my brain as I continue work on my more serious fics. It might get continuation, or I might let it stand as a one-shot. Who knows? In any case, this is un-betaed, so any and all mistakes are my own. Hope you enjoyed. Please drop a comment using that wonderful review button.


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